Dear Ruthie
by Kant Newton
Summary: What if Ruthie had an advice column for her family members? www.angelfire.com/weird2/thwackage
1. Kevin

DISCLAIMER: I own no one

AUTHOR'S NOTE: NEW MEMBER of the Fruitcake Alliance!  HEHEHEHE… read the thwacks, they're great.  The original Fruitcake is my hero.  To join the alliance and receive the Fruitcake newsletter, email fruitcakehq@yahoo.com.

SUMMARY: What if Ruthie had an advice column and the rest of the family wrote in for advice?

_Dear Ruthie,_

_I've been having trouble with my girlfriend lately.  I love her even though she has a very round face and a gratingly whiny voice, but she just doesn't trust me.  Additionally, I'm having trouble speaking.  I think my remarkably square jaw and stunning good looks are getting in the way of articulation.  As a police officer, I recognize the importance of asking for help.  (charming smile)._

_            Wonderful Eye Candily Goodness,_

_            K._

Dear Kevin,

Lucy is a whiny bi-otch, but hey, you say you love her, and I respect that, because as my sister, I love the little chipmunk face insecurity blanket too.  Maybe if you want her to trust you, you shouldn't go around kissing other girls to express you displeasure about her hanging out with other guys.  I hadn't realized your jaw was so remarkably square, but now that you point it out, I realize that you are far too good looking to be dating my sister.  

Ruthie

PS… nobody cares that you are a police officer 

REVIEW… and if you have a letter for Ruthie, let me know!


	2. Annie

DISCLAIMER: I don't own them, I just parody them (don't you love how absolutely anything can be made a verb if you say it in the right tone of voice?)

Author's note:  This is an advice column for actual 7th Heaven characters only.  If you are truly seeking help, ask someone you trust, and my prayers will be with you.

DEAR RUTHIE: CHAPTER 2

_            Dear Ruthie,_

_I can't seem to keep from having children.  I already have seven, and even though I'__m post-menopausal, I get the sinking impression that I will magically become impregnated again by some evil plot bunnies.   I don't know if I could take it if I had triplets, who I would inevitably name Rachel, Rebecca, and Abigail, because all of my children except my second daughter must have Biblical names so that "Lucy" will feel ignored and have a permanent complex.  Any ideas on how to keep from getting pregnant again?  Thanks so much._

_            A._

            Dear Mom,

I know it might seem unbelievable, but there's this thing called birth control.  See, being the sage I am at twelve, I know that certain methods of contraception can actually prevent pregnancy.  I don't think you need to worry about having more children, though, because something tells me that seven is the magic number.  You might consider giving some thought to not adopting any more pseudo-children, because the house is starting to feel like a menagerie.  And don't worry, there are plenty of other ways of giving Lucy a complex.  

            Ruthie


	3. Mary

DISCLAIMER: I don't own them, I just satire them (again with the verb-making)

            _Dear Ruthie,_

_My family refuses to support me in quite possibly the most important decision I have ever made.  I am seeing a slightly older man who I call Captain Smith because it makes him sound dirty, and no one seems to understand that, just because I'm dating someone my father's age to get back at square-jawed incoherence boy's brother, doesn't mean that I don't love him.  I don't, but that's beside the point.  I'm over twenty-one now.  How do I get my family to stop treating me like an insane twit?_

_            M._

            Dear Mary,

You insane twit.  Screw your bite sized brain back into your pretty little head, take a deep breath, and say it with me now: pedophile.  Have you seen the way Captain Jack looks at me?  It's, to say the least, disturbing.  Perhaps if your need to compensate for your perceived lacks (due, I'm sure to your rather out of character actions over the past three years) could be addressed intelligently, you wouldn't feel the need to act out to gain attention by dating a man I will henceforth refer to as "Grandpa."  *insane* cough cough *twit* cough cough.  

            Ruthie 


	4. Robbie

DISCLAIMER: they still aren't mine.

_            Dear Ruthie,_

_I lost my girlfriend.  I'm not sure how it happened.  She was here last season, I mean year, and then with a few minor utterings, she disappeared from my life completely.  Although I am a pseudo-orphan who is just learning about family in the most touching way, the abruptness of her departure strikes me as a bit odd.  I'm afraid she might have been kidnapped by plot bunnies who want to blackmail me into recreating the stunning dynamic I once had with Mary, whom, like all men, I love deeply despite her fickle nature.  Should I go for it with Mary or try to figure out what in the world happened to my old girlfriend?_

_            R._

_            Dear Robbie,_

I too found Joy's departure to be disturbingly abrupt.  Perhaps, instead of focusing your energy on Mary, who will inevitably dump you for the first fireman, policeman, or ambulance driver she meets, you should look for another budding Latina pop star who can grace our living room with random bouts of dancing and singing.  Also, remember that you are, in fact, still young and shouldn't yet be worrying about making a life long commitment, even though only I see this truth amidst the wacky mixed up Camden time line in which everyone jumps straight from being a kid to being twenty-five.

            Ruthie

_            Dear Ruthie,_

_I've been kidnapped by evil plot bunnies who are threatening my life..  Please help_

_            J._

            Dear Joy,

No one misses you.  Have fun with the bunnies.

            Ruthie.

PLEASE REVIEW… I may stop writing this if there's not more interest soon.


	5. Eric

DISCLAIMER: Nope, still not mine

            _Dear Ruthie,_

_I am a middle-aged, non-denominational pseudo-Christian minister.  For some reason, I feel like my faith is being tried past all limits.  My wonderful family and ever-growing church (which includes everyone in Glenoak at one time or another) care about me, but they seem to think that I need help.  I have no idea *gasping for air* where they got such an absurd idea.  What can I do about this crisis of faith?_

_            E._

            Dear Dad,

About this "faith" of yours… it seems to my brilliant-beyond-my-years mind that you could use to develop some.  Perhaps if you were actually Christian instead of a poser, your "faith" might not be so hard hit by the vast success of your ministry.  I can see how it's been trying and why you might suddenly decide that helping people isn't your calling.  You were obviously meant for a different path, and God has been playing with you all these years, just as you have been playing with all of us with this talk of so-called "prayer."  Perhaps you could get a job at McDonald's where you would inevitably find a single mother of twelve in need of help for her diabetic triplets and help her overcome racial adversity to send all of her kids to Disney World.   I would, however, request that you not quit your job.  You seem to have forgotten the fact that the church owns the house we live in. 

            Ruthie

P.S.  Don't forget to breathe.   


	6. SamandDavid

DISCLAIMER: I don't own them, I just make fun of them without mercy.  There will be no mercy from the Kant.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm glad to see how many of you are enjoying this story and the haiku story.  Please keep reviewing, and if this is the type of thing you enjoy, you might consider joining the Fruitcake Alliance, of which I am a proud member.  We got the first newsletter a couple of weeks ago, and I just about died laughing.  Anyway, I'm going to give the Chief Fruitcake permission to license this fic to other alliance members, meaning they can use the whole advice columnist or haiku thing for other shows.  Anyway, email fruitcake headquarters at fruitcakehq@yahoo.com to join the alliance.

            _Dear Ruthie,_

_I am incredibly tired of being denied a personality of my own.  I feel as if I will be forever stuck as half of a two-bit punch line echo crew.  I worry sometimes about my future.  How can I make my family recognize me as an individual?_

_            -D._

_            Dear Ruthie,_

_Me__ want cookie._

_            -S._

            Dear Sam-and-David,

Contrary to popular belief, you are actually one person.  Maybe if you actually developed a personality, the family would come to look upon you as more than a trained seal.  

            -Ruthie

P.S. Good boy.  Here's a cookie.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Has anyone else noticed that the taller twin is the smart one?  They give him all of the good lines, and the other one just echoes whatever he says.


	7. Lucy

Disclaimer: I don't own them.

Author's Note: I was commanded to update, so here's the update.Review and I'll update some more.

_Dear Ruthie,_

__

_I want to be a minister because it fits so closely with the image I wish I had of myself, and plus it was the only thing I could think of to give my father for his birthday.It was either that or a tie.Now, I don't know what to think, because my first sermon, of three point seven minutes in length, concentrated on my desire to reserve Sundays for spying on people who don't center their lives around my desires, and I don't know if everyone will start acting according to my will.This disturbs me.Also, my face has been fattening of late, do you know any remedies?_

__

_-L._

__

_Dear Lucy,_

Perhaps the reason you are treated like a whiny hypocrite is because you are one.I don't mean to be judgmental, my dear chipmunk faced sibling, but if the best sermon you can come up with runs less than four minutes in length and was fueled by your desire to ensure Roxanne has a loveless life, perhaps you would be better suited to a life as a heinously whiny bi-otch than to a life in the ministry.You should have gone with the tie, but look at the bright side: at least Glen Oak has a divinity school, so you don't have to gallivant off, having adventures of your own a la Mary.How convenient.

Ruthie

P.S. Did you realize that you're the only Camden kid without a Biblical name.That's because no one loves you.

P.P.S.Perhaps now is the correct time to apologize for sneaking in at night and whispering the words "Kevin is going to leave you" in your ear for hours at a time.Perhaps not.Happy dreams.


	8. Ruthie

DISCLAIMER: I don't own them, I just satire them.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I promise a haiku update shortly, but for now, content yourselves with another Dear Ruthie installment.  If you read it, REVIEW.

Dear Ruthie: Yet another Chapter (written after viewing the 7th Heaven episode aired January 20, 2003)

            _Dear Ruthie,_

_I've found myself becoming strangely coherent and logical.  While this pleases me to the extent that I will smile an irritatingly perfect smile, I am a bit confused.  Since when have I been the voice of reason, sanity, logic, and intelligence?  I like this new role.  It makes me feel manly.  Don't worry, I still have an incredibly square jaw._

_            K._

_P.S.  Do you need any advice?  This strange new feeling I am informed is called "thought" or "foresight" might allow me to help you._

            Dear Kevin,

I too am disturbed by the fact that you suddenly have a higher IQ and greater sense of logic than a toothbrush, but I will trust you with my problems.  After all, you are a police officer.  I'm worried that I'm being reduced to one giant metaphor, through the course of which I will be the cornerstone of many "very special" events.  I feel less like a person and more like a platitude spouting member of a Greek chorus every day.  What can I do to regain a sense of personality?

            R.

PS  Get back in the saddle.

            _Dear Ruthie, _

_Using my rather foundationless reasoning skills, I have determined that you are right.  If  you wish to move past your living metaphor status, you must define yourself as a person.  You should stop talking like a brochure and start using words like "like" "totally" and "dude" incessantly.  The rest will take care of itself._

            Kevin

TBC(possibly)… PLEASE REVIEW!!!


	9. Peter's Mom

DISCLAIMER: I don't own them; I just ridicule them.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sorry it's been so long since the last update.  I've been mourning the THWACK story by Fruitcake… it was banned, which as a fellow FA member makes me very sad.  Show your support for the Fruitcake!!!  Email fruitcakehq@yahoo.com to join the Fruitcake Alliance and get in on our plot to show people what THWACKage really is.  Thwackage.com… it's coming soon.

            _Dear Ruthie,_

_I'm a thirty-eight year old mother of a twelve year old son.  Lately, I've found that I tend to let not only my own son, but also other people's four year old children, direct my love life.  I'm afraid I might be a nymphomaniac, and for some reason, the name "Benjamin" turns me on._

_            -P_

Dear Peter's Mom,

I know your name is Paris, but I refuse to refer to you like that.  Don't feel bad about the fact that Sam-and-David (one person, not two) direct your love life.  I'm training them as puppetmasters.  As my little PIT's will tell you (puppetmasters in training), you should date people whose names turn you on, but I'm a bit disturbed by the extent of your tonsil hockey with Ben.  Though I am the undisputed sage of this family, I'm not a certified psychiatrist and therefore cannot prescribe de-sexifying medicine for you.  Maybe you should date someone named "Christopher" or "William."  I'm sure you can make those names sound dirty as well.  Good luck.

            -Ruthie

            _Dear Ruthie,_

_I'll kiss you when I want to kiss you._

_            -P_

            Dear Peter,

I scoff in your general direction.  I'll kiss you when I want to kiss you, and you darn well know it.  Dance, my puppet, dance.

- Ruthie

TBC… but only if you guys review.


	10. Jimmy Moon and a Whiny Fanfic Author

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters or anyone else mentioned in this fic.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Has anyone else seen any particularly whiny authors' notes lately?  Muahahahahahahahaha!

            _Dear Ruthie,_

_I am having trouble moving the muscles in my face.  It's almost as if my eyes and mouth are simply painted on.  I'm a little afraid that I am simply a ventriloquist's dummy, or worse, sometimes I feel like I'm a token character on a television show who is played by an actor who obviously must be related to someone.  On an additionally disturbing note, lately, I've begun to look a little bit like "__Chandler__" from Friends.  Please help._

_            -J._

Dear Jimmy Moon,

You are not a real person, you are Jimmy Moon.  I sympathize with your fears about your inadequacies and emotional deficiencies as a feeling human being; however, my best advice to you is to duct tape the ends of your lips to your ears in order to achieve a semi-smiling position.  Duct tape can cover up a myriad of sins.

            -Ruthie

            _Dear Ruthie,_

_I am a TRUE 7th Heaven fan who is disturbed by the amount of anti-fanfiction on this site!  When will people understand that humor, parody, and even creative ideas that push the edge of the canon MUST at all costs be replaced by serious fic in which Ruthie is kidnapped while Mary's hi-jacked plane detours in order to provide the pseudo-Reverend Camden with enough time to minister to an abused woman AND a Vietnamese mime trying to break through the wicked mime culture barrier?!  Please make a statement on this subject._

_            -anonymous_

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for defending my integrity, but I feel I must, in my omnipotence, point something out.  I am not real.  Sadly, no matter how much you protect my character from possible defacement, I will still remain fictional.  I feel I must also point out that there is a "parody" option for fanfiction for a reason.  Somehow, you remind me of my sister Lucy.  THWACK.

            -Ruthie_    _


	11. everyone and literally their dog

DISCLAIMER: I don't own them.

            AUTHOR'S NOTE: Loooooong, slightly crazy chapter.  I just saw the 'everyone smokes' episode for the first time, and I had to blow off some steam.  I was promised that fruitcake would write a good thwack on it soon, but so far, no avail, so this is my contribution to the common good. Oh, and I'm nominated for a THWACK award, so I rejoice.

_Dear Ruthie,_

_            I'm stressed from my sexy toes to my oh-so-square jaw, so I've been smoking lately.  What do you think?_

_            ~K_

_Dear Ruthie,_

_            I like smoking.  I think it makes me cool._

_            ~P_

_Dear Ruthie,_

_            Me likes pretend smoke._

_            ~S-V_

_Dear Ruthie,_

_            I accidentally burnt a house down, and now I'm furious at the non-smokers of the world for their stupid superiority complexes._

_            ~B's F_

_Dear Ruthie,_

_            I'm considering smoking a little doggie cigarette.  Do you think this is a good idea?_

_            ~H the D_

_Dear Ruthie,_

_            I feel trapped over and over again into the same meaninglessly redundant conversations with my mother.  I feel like I've been accused of smoking about fifty times, and honestly, it's irritating.  I think I'll go brood now._

_            ~S_

Dear Kevin, Peter, Samvid, Ben's Flavor, Happy the Dog, and Simon,

            Allow me to lament for a moment on the evils of tobacco products like the overly eloquent actors on those Truth commercials. 

 Smoking is dumb.  You smoke.  Therefore, by the transitive property, you are all dumb, except for perhaps Happy, who I think is most likely making fun of the rest of you in her own little doggie way.  Addressing the rest of your issues… 

Kevin, your jaw is indeed very square, and I think you might want to join a square-jaw-in-serious-relationship-with-paranoid-chipmunk support group, where you can share your good-looking feelings while lifting weights without your shirt on.  

            Samvid, here's a cookie.

            Ben's flavor of the month or week or whatever, move to France.  They smoke all the time, and then none of us here in the good old US of A will have to see your not-pretty-enough-to-earn-the-role face again.

            Simon, although I agree that mom accusing you of smoking is getting old, I'd like to remind you that in the past, you actually have smoked, once because I told you to *dance, my puppet, dance*… Anyway, please don't brood, because your sullen need-to-be-plucked eyebrows knit together in a way that makes me wonder why your hair is blonde and your eyebrows as black as the night itself.

            Note for all of you except for happy: as black as night is a simile.  Bow down to my wisdom.

            ~Ruthie

            _Dear Ruthie,_

_            I'm dying of a heart condition and I smoke.  Honestly, this whole situation feels a bit dehumanizing.  I suddenly feel myself about to sprout little plot bunny ears.  Please help._

_            ~C's D_

_            Dear Ruthie,_

_            I'm bad.  I know it.  I smoke.  I'm bad._

_            ~S_

_            Dear Ruthie,_

_            I'm a bisexual, xenophobic circus clown who, while struggling to set an example for my eighteen little hermaphrodite clown children, is thinking of giving into peer pressure and smoking._

_            ~B, x c c _

Dear Chandler's Dad, Sid, and Mr. Bisexual-Xenophobic-Circus-Clown,

            For my opinions on smoking, see my above after school special worthy answer.  As for the bunny issue, Chandler's Dad, you are all plot bunnies.  Go torture Joy or something.  

            ~Ruthie


	12. Promo Lucy

DISCLAIMER: I don't own them, and while that would have saddened me in earlier seasons, now I am glad.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: We haven't had a new episode in a while, but they've been playing the promo for the wedding foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, and one part about it makes me want to chuck my little brother or another handy object at the TV screen every time.  

_            Dear Ruthie,_

_I feel like singing in a creepy sing-songy voice.  Is it justifiable to do so into my pillow at night time?  I know I share a room with other people, but in a moment of privacy, is this acceptable.  Can't.  Hold.  It.  In.  Any.  Longer.  *Singing*  I'm getting married in the morning._

_            -L_

Dear Lucy,

Please stop singing.  I'm glad that you're excited you're getting married, but perhaps you should spend this time meditating on how not to be insanely jealous, irrational, and argumentative instead of singing to yourself in a manner that makes me view you as that freaky little girl from the movie, The Ring, which I, of course, never saw, because it had inappropriate content for someone my age, given the fact that it wasn't about a dog exploring the world in a hot air balloon while overcoming peer pressure.  I digress (for your benefit, allow me to explain.  'Digress' means 'to go off topic.').  My advice to you on how to sleep the night before your wedding sans singing is as follows.  Lie down.  Close your eyes.  Think about how good looking Kevin is, and try not to think about the fact that sex, which you've never had, is imminent.  If you get hungry during your insomnia, don't worry.  Just eat some of the food you have stored in your cheeks.

- Ruthie

_Dear Ruthie,_

_*Still singing*  I'm getting married in the morning.  Hi-ho, Hi-ho, it's off to marry I go.  I'll keep on singing all night long.  Hi-ho, Hi-ho-Hi-hoHi-ho… speaking of ho… do you foresee problems with my wedding involving Roxanne?_

_            -Lucy_

Dear Lucy,

Stop singing.  I foresee problems only if you create them in your warped chipmunk mind.  In other words: yes.

            -Ruthie.

TBC after I see tonight's episode w/ The Wedding and get some reviews…


	13. Dick among others

DISCLAIMER: I don't own them… I just parody them.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Where did all of my loyal readers go?!?!  Did they abandon me?  *tear*  Well, here's an update for you anyway, but if you read, please review this chap.

            _Dear Ruthie,_

_Muahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahha__!_

_             - S-V_

Dear Samvid,

Today you showed what a powerful little two-headed puppetmaster you are.  I am proud.  You get a cookie.

- Ruthie

_Dear Ruthie,_

_I think my partner and my wife may be talking about sex.  I find this disturbing, to say the least.  How can I convince them to stop?_

- _K._

Dear Kevin,

You're married to Lucy.  You have bigger problems, and honestly, if it's between Lucy talking to Roxanne and talking to me, it's got to be Roxanne.  I suggest that you relish your position as my family's personal lapdog policeman and resign yourself to the fact that Roxanne will be lisping gossip with Lucy from now on.

- Ruthie

_Dear Ruthie,_

_Sex is fun.  Kevin is awesome._

- _Mrs. K._

Dear Lucy,

First of all, I will not refer to you as Mrs. Kinkirk, no matter how many times you do it yourself.  Secondly, that wasn't a question, you little twit.  Thirdly, ARG.  What did I just get through saying about the sex thing?

         - Ruthie

_Dear Ruthie,_

_I have money.  Dogs don't like me.  If I smile sweetly at you, will you accept me and convince Peter that he should (a) lay off the hair gel and (b)convince his impressionable mother that, though I am not eye candy like Ben, she should marry me and grant me my somehow distorted desires?  What can I do to convince him I'm not some type of villain?_

_            Uber Sincerely,_

_            Dick_

Dear Dick,

I hate to break it to you, but you are a villain.  I might as well start calling you Claudius, though I'm sure the Shakespearean reference is as lost on you as it would be on everyone else around here.  Let me break it down for you.  (1) The golden retriever may not have made a good fire dog, but if he barks at you, you either have dog smell on you, or there's a giant neon flashing sign over your head that reads BAD GUY.  Chances are, aforementioned sign is powered by plot bunnies, even more powerful than the energizer bunny.  (2) Your name is Dick.  I won't go into the implications of that.  (3) Anyone who signs a letter "Uber sincerely" has got to be evil, and your uber sincerity is creeping me out.

            -Ruthie

TBC… more to come, should I feel so inspired… hint hint, review.


	14. Simon, Kevin, and Samvid

DISCLAIMER: Brenda Hampton et al own them all.  I own no one.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: It's baaa-aaack.  A new season of 7th Heaven, and some more quality Dear Ruthie to go with it.  Did anyone miss me?  Are any of you still reading this?  Is there a particular reason I just almost swallowed my tongue?  

DEAR RUTHIE: CHAPTER FOURTEEN

            _Dear Ruthie,_

_            I would write you a letter, but I'm too busy brooding.  In a roundabout after school no-fault-of-mine way, I killed someone, and not even my too long hair, which is finally darkening enough that my eyebrows don't look freakish, can console me.  I've been thinking of running away to __New York__ to see Matt.  I think he'd understand what I'm going through._

_Broodily__ yours,_

_            -S_

Dear Simon,

            I sympathize with your emotional turmoil.  My most obvious suggestion is that perhaps you should get some therapy.  In fact, considering our model-of-adult-wisdom parents are very hip to the counseling scene, I'm wondering why you haven't been in therapy already.  

            On a separate note, perhaps you should talk to Lucy, who could possibly relate to you because of her experience with feeling guilty about not preventing a close friend's death or Mary about her experience with an action she has spent a lot of time regretting.

            Or, I guess you could talk to Matt about brooding.

            ~Ruthie

            _Dear Ruthie,_

_            I'm hunnnnnngrrrrrry._

_            -S_

_            Dear Ruthie,_

_            I'm hunnnnnnggrrrrryyyyy_

_            -D_

_            Dear Ruthie,_

_            WE'RE HUNGRYYYYYYYY (and cute)_

_            -S-V_

Dear Samvid,

Quite frankly, the unison thing is creeping me out.  Back, ye evil children of the corn, back.  

-Ruthie

_Dear Ruthie,_

_After seeing the way a car crash affects people, I really need a life affirming experience, despite the fact that as a police officer, I see car crashes and homicides every day.  I was thinking that maybe Lucy and I should have a baby.  Or maybe twins.  We could have twins.  _

_I could stay home and babysit while my wife went to work.  I've thought this through very carefully.  What do you think?_

_~K_

_P.S.  I'm wearing a wife beater.  You can see my biceps and everything._

_P.P.S.__  Do you need some help?  I can do that for you._

Dear Kevin,

What are you talking about?  You can do what for me exactly?  Perhaps you should stop volunteering to do so many random jobs and devote more time to increasing circulation from your well-sculptured jaw up to your brain.  You and Lucy cannot, I repeat, cannot procreate.  Natural selection should have made such things impossible, but nature has a very cruel sense of humor.

The world is a better place for the fact that you're wearing so little clothing.

-Ruthie

TBC… providing there's enough interest.

REVIEW!!!


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